A Choice

As you have probably noticed ( I am talking to my three followers) I have not written for quite sometime. Here is what's been going on.

I discovered a few days ago, that I had not had a humbling experience in quite some time. No tire incidents, or putting the right “type” of fuel in my car. As I looked back over the last month or so I couldn’t help but think to myself, “man... I must be getting more humble! I am doing pretty good, no stories to tell.” And BAM! PRIDE! I stopped myself in that very moment, and realized something that I am sure I must have known at some point, but somewhere along the walk of life, forgot.

When I started this blog, I was excited to share my public humbling experiences with the world (my three fans). I enjoy making people laugh, and since I believe it should not be at other peoples expenses I have decided to make it at my own. Here is what I suddenly realized. There are two types of pride. Pride that is out there for everyone to see, that you know in only a matter of seconds will be corrected, and that person will be humbled. But, there is another type of pride. The type that everyone deals with, but too often we do not discus. The pride in our hearts. The pride that for a long time you can cover, no one has to know, in fact... you might not even know. This my friends, is my most common type of pride. The pride that sneaks in, while your walking down the street and see someone with not-so-nice-hair, and suddenly you think to yourself, my hair looks so much better than hers. The pride that when someone confides in you, and tells you a deep dark secret sin, and although you have done this same sin a hundred times, you still think to yourself, “I would never do that!” The pride that ruins character, friendships, and maybe even families. The pride that can steal happiness, trample on your positive attitude, and replace selflessness for selfishness in the blink of an eye. This is the pride that too often takes up space in my heart.

As I thought about this, I realized how willing I was to share stories of humbling moments that were humorous and taught a lesson. I was excited to share my thoughts of high self-esteem, soon to be followed by tripping over a curb in a situation so fast I was not sure if I did in fact fall, or if the earth came up and met my face. But was I willing to talk about real pride? Was I willing to look deep into my own heart and have a look at all the dark nasty things and talk about it with other people... the truth is, this post has taken me more than two weeks to write. I have gone over and over in my mind what to say, how to word it. In hopes that I would not look totally proud and all about me. As I threw sentences around in my mind, paragraphs and phrases, I began to realize there is no way around it. If I want to be honest, and talk about pride, then I should be honest. And honestly... I am proud. And selfish, and all about myself. Do I want to be? no... not really... but am I? Yes.

As I let this sink in, I cant help but realizing that also, there are two types of humility. Chosen humility, and un chosen humility. You have heard some stories of moments where I was humbled not by choice, and there will be more to come. But there are also times when YOU can choose, to push pride aside and humble yourself. This is usually the harder choice, and it takes guts. But the feeling after, is worth it. When starting this blog it was as though my goal was to one day be humble. What a long ways I have to go. What I have really come to realize is humility is a life long goal. It is waking up every morning and choosing for that day to be humble. It is not a process that after a series of lessons you suddenly reach the final goal and receive a reward because you now are humble. It is a choice, to stand above the effects of living in a fallen world, and decide that just because my human nature wants to do one thing, doesn’t mean I cannot, by the grace of God and will power, choose to do another. I will make mistakes, and I will have prideful thoughts come into my mind. But will I choose to stand above it, learn from it, and fight against it????
With the help of God I certainly hope so.

Basket Full of Emotions

How many of you are 100% in control of your emotions all the time???? Cause I, am not... Now I know that from the outside I may seem like someone who has it all together. Nice clothes, Nice hair, and attractive fingernails! But, I am going to be honest here and share something with you that may come as a shock...
I am horrible at relationships. I mean guy/girl, lets date relationships! I have known this for some time, but have tried to keep it in and pretend that really I know what I am doing. The truth, I have know idea, and I wish I could just get a mail order husband and be done with all of this!
Now I always hear girls complaining saying things like "why are boys so dumb, they always mess up, boys are liars, they have no feelings, they just want to play games" and various other belittling comments...
but my question is "UHHHH... ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?! WOMAN ARE INSANE, DIDN'T YOU NOTICE????"
Now I am not trying to say here that men are perfect and never make mistakes. because that is not true and we all know it! I am pro woman all the way, maybe even a bit of a feminist, but ladies, when it comes to relationships, come on.... how complicated do we have to get?
We never, and I mean NEVER say what we truly mean. Why is this? I tell myself all the time, be honest with him just tell him how you feel.... Then the time comes, that one questions that we all hate, but we want them to ask... "Is something wrong?"
And we reply with a cold hard "NO!" WHAT?!?!? why did I say no??? I want him to know yes, something is wrong, you hurt my feelings when you told me I needed to calm down and get a hold of myself!!! What is with that!! Then when he moves on thinking nothing is wrong, I treat him like dirt, until he asks again. and I say NO! and probably add something girly and whiney like, why don't you care about me.
I am a relationship person. But do not misunderstand, this does not mean that for one second I enjoy the beginning stages of a relationship. I hate it! The guessing, the games, the questions, the insecurities, the lack of sleep... it is crazy!
Is there anyway of skipping this part?
oohhhh... one of my favorites, is my ability to over analyze EVERYTHING!!! If I have an email from him, I read the thing over and over and over, I dissect every little part, break it down word by word, look up the Hebrew meaning for every word to see what he really is trying to say to me. Man, if I spent half as much time dissecting the bible like I do these emails, I would be a bible major! I would have a masters in "what the bible is really saying"!!
Also, now this one I consider a gift... I have this incredible ability to pick one little thing from his whole conversation with me, and forget everything else he said... some, I have heard call this selective hearing, but I am gonna go with choice full listening instead.
How many days have you spent going through your daily activities with your phone glued in your hand in case he decides to call. How many evenings have you spent at home while your friends are at the movies... in case he calls! This is crazy, do you think for one second that every time his phone rings his heart immediately stops and before he picks up he has to say hello 10 times before he decides a simple hi sounds the coolest????
We are driven by emotions. God made woman emotional creatures, if I didn't know God was perfect and makes no mistakes, I might consider this and female handicap. But that cannot be true, because He has made no mistakes. So there is a reason we are so emotional??? Some woman are more emotional than others, and some learn how to control their emotions... is there a booklet?? did we come with instructions?
The truth is (so I believe) men are logical. They are not always heart felt lead by this feeling they cant explain. If it makes sense, great. They run by logic. So technically we would balance each other out, right?
But at the end of the day, I still say things that are totally crazy, and I blow things way out of proportion, and sometimes, just sometimes I cry and have no idea why. There are times through out the day that I feel totally insane. Nothing I say, think, or feel lines up with reality... I should be locked away... but I just keep holding on and telling myself, God wants me to have emotions. because hopefully, one day soon, I will meet a man who can put up with this insanity and balance me out.

Canada's Next Car Idol

Now I figured, if you are gonna be reading embarrassing moments of my life, it would be best for you to have a bit more knowledge of who I am as a person. So every now and then I am going to add a post that is not a specific humbling moment, but to help you know me, so when you're walking down the street and you see me, right away you can be like "Hey, that's that young attractive girl who can put air in her tires! What is she trying to do over there by the gas pump???"

Now, I am a total car star!! When I get behind the wheel of a vehicle, I transform. From little town girl, to big stage city girl! I get that music on, and I sing my little heart out as if I am about to die and this is my last song! Maybe you have already seen me, rolling down the highway, right hand on the wheel, left hand making a fist used as my microphone (I don't know why, but I sound better with the hand mic)??? A number of years ago I would try and fight this urge in public. If I knew no one could see me, I was belting it out, then when I would come up to a car, I would stop and wait. But after a while I was sick of always having to keep a look out for when I might be busted. Plus, how could I really feel the music and get into the song if I had to be focused on who was going to see me. So, I did what any grown adult professional car singer would do. I made the conscious choice, to say who cares who sees... I am going for it! After that moment I instantly became better. No more fears that someone will see... no more worries that the person who is phoning in on the radio is reporting my car performance. I can just be me and enjoy my singing! In fact, now a days, I encourage people to look! No wait... I encourage people to skim through the radio stations until they find the words that match my lip movements, and sing a long with me!
Also, I am a professional car dancer! Now I know that right now some of you girls are getting all excited and high pitched saying " OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! SO AM I!!" but ladies, please, I am fo real!
This is something that no under skilled person should get behind the wheel in a car and do. First of all... you need to have taken at least three years of hip hop dance lessons, just like me. You need to have skilled the art of shakin' your booty no matter what your wearing, who is watching, or what song is playing... again, like me. Then, you need to slowly practice in the car. I highly recommend your first month, only car dancing in the passenger seat. Let your friends drive you around while you get a feel of how to shake your booty in the seat! Then after a month, you are aloud to practice in an empty parking lot. Now what you need to master is getting your whole body moving, but keeping your hands totally in control of the wheel. You will need to also think about what your doing with your face. Cause either your face is emotionless and watching traffic around you, or your face is so into it before you know it you're also into the backside of that truck in front of you! Learn how to make it appear on your face you are 100% into your dancing, but really you are very aware of the world around you....
Now I was born with a little bit of car gangster in me. It just comes natural. I think this is something that a lot of people pretend they have, but they don't. Don't fight it! If it ain't coming naturally, let it go... no point in getting killed out there trying to be like someone your not. Find something new, like whistling!

A Sobering Moment Like None Other

A little background knowledge… for the last year and a half, the Lord has really been preparing and prepping me for leadership. I knew He was calling me to leadership rolls, and wanted me to be ready. A few months ago I discovered that me and another friend are leading a six month school that is a disciple school for young adults. After this news I came to the Lord feeling incredibly inadequate for this. I laid down all my fears and concerns, and decided then and there the ONLY way I can do this is by Him working through me!!! My biggest concern was am I humble enough for this position???? I prayed this out, and I told God that I want to be a humble leader and never feel better than anyone because of what I am doing. I very desperately said that when ever pride sneaks up on me, I give You full permission to humble me in that moment. Now, for those of you who have ever prayed these types of prayers, you understand how dangerous they are. But I was totally desperate in that moment… and ultimately, I need this! Now if you have had any contact with me over the last few months, you probably are aware of this, and have seen it in action or already heard some stories of how God has humbled me… if not, read this!

My dad phones me and tells me before I drive into the city, I HAVE to go to the gas station and fill the front two tires with air. They are very low and will be ruined if I drive into the city with them like this. I hang up the phone and immediately wonder if this is even worth me going to the city. I hate filling my tires with air! Now, I have only done this a few times, but each time I some how forget how to do it and end up making a fool of myself. But I shake of the old memories and decide I am a grown woman and this is a life skill I need to have. I get into my car and on my way to the station I mentally prepare myself and turn this into something positive. “You can do this Hailey!!! It will be easy! Real quick, just in and out, no one will see me… it’s not rocket science!” I pull up to the station and turn off the car. I walk into the station with my head held high, and simple ask for the gage thingy to tell me when there is enough air. The man tells me it is attached. I walk back thinking, I don’t ever remember it being attached. So, I grab the thingy and get down on one knee. “it’s not rocket science Hailey….. You can do this!” I screw off the little cap and place the air thingy over it. I got this! Then I had a thought…. You know I look pretty good doing this. I mean, I am having a good hair day, and my make up is very nicely done also. Any guy would be lucky to have me! I am young, attractive, and I can put air in my tires, all around I am just a good catch!
I leave my thoughts to see what I am doing and realize that this little gage thing has stayed at the same number and isn’t moving. So I try a few different things, but nothing is working. I decided to screw on the cap and try the other tire. After all I don’t want to spend too much time at one tire and have people think I don’t know what I am doing. As I walk around to the other side, a man walking by says “Do you need a hand with that” I look over at him thinking… “excuse me sir, I may be young, attractive and female… but I know how to put air in my tires!” instead I decided to play it cool. “oh I am ok, it took me a second to figure it out, but I got it thanks.”
So I get down on one knee again, unscrew the little cap thing and place the air thingy on the other thing. Still it doesn’t really seem to be working. Now I know this guy is sitting in his truck watching me, so I tell myself, just make it look like you know what you are doing! So I give it a little while then decide that was enough time to fill my tire. I take off the thingy, and screw the cap back on and get to my feet. Then I hear his voice again… “you do know you have to press that black button, right?” I turn to him and politely say, “excuse me?”
“That black button over there that says start…. You know you have to push it before it will pump out the air”
I look over to the air machine and see a large black button and beside it in big block letters, START. Then under that I notice very clearly, in simple English 4 step instructions on how to use the machine, pictures included. Hmmm… suddenly I think, you know my hair really didn’t look that good, and my make up?? I have done better…
I look back at the man who is now smirking at me with total amusement beaming from his eyes, and simply say thank you.

What a completely sobering moment. I mean I could have been intoxicated and in that moment all traces of alcohol would be gone form my system. What is worse, it is bad enough that I know I am humiliated, but God made me Caucasian, and this means that also anyone looking at my beaming red face knows I am humiliated as well.

But, I was able to laugh about it and was feeling very excited to tell all my friends! I am excited for this season of my life, as God teaches me about humility in every thing I do.